Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Expect to Be Unable to Poop

Everybody poops. That is, everybody except pregnant women.

Last Friday when I spent my 30-minute drive home in excruciating back pain I was sure that my kidneys had decided that they were vetoing the pregnancy and taking a leave of absence. My doctor's office had closed by the time I got home and I decided to wait it out for a bit to ensure that the pain wasn't related to digestive problems (which had been happening on and off for a bit). Sure enough, the pain had subsided by Saturday morning so I figured my problems were over.

Where's reality to slap you when you need it most?

The pain was not over, oh no. Tuesday brought on a whole new day of abdominal/back pain and this time I DID go to the doc.

Her recommendation? Laxatives.

You know what? Laxative is a funny word. So is constipation. I usually laugh at bathroom humor like this. But guess who wasn't laughing when she was comparing a name brand laxative with a store brand? This girl. (I went with the store brand in case you were wondering).

My doc suggested getting a suppository because they were fast-acting.

Over my constipated, dead body!

I doubt I'll have any dignity once this baby is pushed out my vag-jay-jay, but I'll be damned it I have to lube up a pill to shove it where the sun doesn't shine just for a little abdominal relief.

I went with the oral powder, thanyouverymuch. And now I can poop again.

Little victories.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Expect to Suck at Bowling

Looking for a fantastic, unique research topic? Look no further! I propose that some fine scholar out there study the effect of growing tiny humans on the mother's bowling ability. Last Saturday's bowling night proved that you should REALLY expect to suck at bowling when you're pregnant.

Here's my hypothesis: Pregnancy will turn any respectable bowling enthusiast into a gutter-throwing, low-scoring bowler.

I'm no master bowler by any means, but I am usually able to break 100 during my games. Last night I scored a new low at my local bowling alley. After managing to score a total of 7 points in 6 frames I realized that the baby was totally throwing off my game groove. No matter what I tried my ball pulled to the right. Waaay right. Like two lanes over right. I'm about 98% positive that it's the baby's fault. Every time I went to bowl, I'm sure it did a ninja-flip and tossed my center of gravity off. On purpose. Dang the acrobatic skillz of my unborn child.

My pride hurt. My arms hurt. And I think baby's feelings were hurt after I called baby a horrible spare-wrecker. Sorry, child.

At least the cheese fries were good.